The Complaint (May 12, 2005)

I went back to the beginning of my blogging days for this one.

To preface, there was an earlier post where I had mentioned a sigmoidoscope - and if you do not know what that is, click the word for a trip to Merriam-Webster - and after someone I knew made a comment about it - the kind of comment where they scrunch their eyes and nose together and the words come out through their nose.  You know the one.

What I found funny is that over 15 years later the joke of not taking responsibility is still relevant.

My First Complaint (from Cut to the Chase Blog on Blogspot)

Dear Cut to the Chase,

I was mortified by the mention of a sigmoidoscope in your entry about The Bolsheviks dated on May 11th, 2005 (I still do not understand what this whole "Bolshevik" movement you are trying to start is all about, nor am I very comfortable with being party to any kind of revolution). I was even further horrified by the link that expanded upon the use of such an instrument and the graphic detail of its process. Once a week, my family and I gather around the computer and read your entries. Janey, my youngest, is a big fan and would even like your autograph - but even she was appalled by the imagery of that web site. And young Bobby was retching after reading about such a disgusting device.

I would like a retraction and an apology or I am going to boycott your site.

Sincerely,

Shirley in Shafter, Missouri


Shirley,

You must be kidding. I cast the caveat from my first entry about not taking any responsibility for any of my words or my actions (this is America!). I do not think I suggested or even published anywhere that this site would be a "family" site. This is "adult swim" material (cheap plug for Cartoon Network here): this is the kind of stuff that is only meant for people to read when they are supposed to be "working" at their office. You may share this with your children, but that is at your own discretion (but, since I am feeling magnanimous today, I am sending you two nice 8 x 10 autographed glossy photos - one of them is especially for you: you will know which one!).

But that is not all. I do not want you to fear the sigmoidoscope. This is a brilliant word that should be added to your everyday vocabulary, as it has so many subtle and appropriate uses. Here are a few examples as conceived by me and an associate of mine that goes by his CB handle of Dr. Strangelove:

Situation #1: The company you work for is about to fall off the face of the earth but the boss hands you a non-compete contract to sign.

Example: You know, sir, as enthused as I am to uphold my loyalty to this company, by the end of today your superiors are going to need a sigmoidoscope to help track down this contract that will be hidden deep within your possession.

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Situation #2: Fred, the blatant suck up of the company, has just handed in a report that is five times the length it needs to be, and has complimented the boss on his tie and his shoes for the third time.

Example: "Yo Fred, I think you have just made it up to level four on the sigmoidoscope gauge. Bravo!"

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Situation #3: You enter a crowded restroom (washroom) that does not smell of roses.

Example: "Hmmm... I love the smell of a freshly used sigmoidoscope in the morning."

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Situation #4: Aliens are landing in your back field (not too uncommon in Missouri, is it?).

Example: Gee Earl, I hope they have their deep-probing sigmoidoscopes set to stun this time.
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Shirley, you can see all of the possibilities, can you not??? This is a wonderful polysyllabic word that should be embraced and celebrated. Therefore, I cannot bring myself to retract my entry or even apologize. If you are going to boycott the site, at least promise me that you will do it very publicly. 

Thank you again for the letter. I do appreciate any feedback that I get.

Your Pal,

Cortwist c/o Cut to the Chase
Medical Spelunker Supplies, LTD (maker of the Sigmoidoscope)

Enjoy the picture! :)